www.chrisdarbro.com – Chris Darbro

So, yeah, blog before this one. ignore it. it’s crap. well, kind of. some of it is the honest truth of how I felt at the time, but I also wasnt thinking clearly and perhaps should have just kept it to myself. I was in a fit of frustration/depressed/jealous/grr/whatever and thats the kind of crap that can come out of my mouth when I dont think before I speak (which throughout my life has been all too often, sadly.) at the same time Im not a tool and am not gonna go try to delete it or hide it. i published it online, that was that, if im gonna say something, even if I dont mean it, I damn well better take responsibility for it, right?
So, there’s this girl. (of course there’s a girl, there’s always a girl, that’s how the best stories in our lives always go.) And her name is Kayla.  She’s freaking amazing. I cant even begin to describe it. She absolutely rocks my world. She’s done this for a long time, Ive just been kind of hush hush about it. and not just to all of you mind you, but to her as well. This is kind of why I’m posting this. Life is short. You never know when you tell someone something or see them if it’ll ever be your last. So im just mustering up the courage to say, I’m crazy about her. I have been for a long time, and she has a special control over me that I just cant describe. My heart has always been big and strong, but it turns fragile instantly when in her hands. She can make me feel weak in an instant. And I dont know if I hate it or I love it. lately Ive kinda hated it, I cant say i’ve met many people in my life that can make me feel not worthy, not good enough, etc., for them. and I guess that is good and bad, but lately more bad I suppose because it hurts thinking that you can keep on trying and getting your hopes up and you’ll still never be whatever it is that person is looking for. or somehing. I dont know. It’s been an interesting past couple weeks for her and I. everything from very happy moments, to being frustrated, or me not even talking to her, and those who know me know that it’s almost impossible for me to give anyone the slient treatment for longer than 5 seconds. But the past couple days have really hit me like a ton of bricks. Ive come to many realizations that I hadnt noticed before, or even ones I had noticed but tried to not admit to myself. Realizations of how important some people are to me, and just how much they mean to me and I’d do for them, despite how scary it can be. realizations of why I’m where I’m at right now, physically, and in my life, among other things. It’s amazing when you realize how many lots of little things can be all tied into a few big ones. but now im just going off and being kinda cryptic again saying things that likely only make sense to me. back to Kayla. I’ve known her for almost a year and a half, and I’m so amazed at the things our friendship has survived in that amount of time, as hard as they were on me sometimes, and I know there were little things that were hard on her too, our distance from each other being a big one for her.but through all of that, our friendship still burns strong, and no matter what her and I ever experience or go through, together or apart, I know that’ll always be true. and I want her to know how much I’ll always be here, just as I always have, even through her toughest times, one of my shoulders is always on reserve for her and her alone to cry on if she ever needs it, as is one of my ears when she needs someone to listen. and of course an arm, though it goes with out saying that she can always have both, when and if ever she just needs to be held.

Her and I arent even dating or anything, but I wanted her to know just how much she really means to me, than ever have to deal with the pain and regret of her never knowing if I didnt say something. “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”, and all that jazz, right? Then again, it was also once said something among the lines of “better to remain silent and make them wonder if you’re foolish, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” lol.

I’m sure there’s more I’d love to write here, and maybe I will in time, depending on how things work out. who knows.  but I now return you to your regularly unscheduled boring chris blog posts, already in progress.

-C