www.chrisdarbro.com - Chris Darbro

Haha, that just seemed like a fun and funny title. some truth to it, I’ve had A LOT of fast/restaurant food lately, it’s insane, I cant keep up with the to-go boxes sitting in my fridge, it’s terrible. Eating out with my friends, with kayla, with my parents, gah. lots o food. Tonight I had 2 choices, go out and spend $20+on gas and such to go up to ogden to rock out and hang with my friends all night, -or- stay home, watch the coachella music festival online,  eat some ice cream, and text kayla back and forth since she’s actually there watching it live. Anyone who knows me well knows which one I chose. haha. nothing against my friends, My heart just enjoyed the latter more and it saved me some cash, which I need to do more of, I spent a lot last week between various eating and gas fillups, and everything. I guess some are wondering what the outcome might have been from my outpouring of my heart in my last blog post. um…good I think. I’ll definately know more when kayla gets back from coachella and im reassured somehow that im not imagineing certain things or that im not dreaming, she’s definately been one that’s taught me not to get my hopes up in the past, nothing against her, that’s just how it’s worked out in the past. I still love her to death though. She’s all I’ve been able to think about all weekend. I was so close to just blowing off work for a couple days, grabbin my platinum card and letting her kidnap me to go down there. but at a time in my life where my goal is finish cleaning up my debts, that wouldnt have been a smart idea. but soon enough I’ll be out of my debts, and she will be allowed to kidnap me to anywhere she wants. haha. Ugh. leatherby’s ice cream is sooo rich. im gonna pass out. haha. think im gonna just lay back in bed and enjoy the music online from coachella, wishing I was there. Im out.

So, yeah, blog before this one. ignore it. it’s crap. well, kind of. some of it is the honest truth of how I felt at the time, but I also wasnt thinking clearly and perhaps should have just kept it to myself. I was in a fit of frustration/depressed/jealous/grr/whatever and thats the kind of crap that can come out of my mouth when I dont think before I speak (which throughout my life has been all too often, sadly.) at the same time Im not a tool and am not gonna go try to delete it or hide it. i published it online, that was that, if im gonna say something, even if I dont mean it, I damn well better take responsibility for it, right?
So, there’s this girl. (of course there’s a girl, there’s always a girl, that’s how the best stories in our lives always go.) And her name is Kayla.  She’s freaking amazing. I cant even begin to describe it. She absolutely rocks my world. She’s done this for a long time, Ive just been kind of hush hush about it. and not just to all of you mind you, but to her as well. This is kind of why I’m posting this. Life is short. You never know when you tell someone something or see them if it’ll ever be your last. So im just mustering up the courage to say, I’m crazy about her. I have been for a long time, and she has a special control over me that I just cant describe. My heart has always been big and strong, but it turns fragile instantly when in her hands. She can make me feel weak in an instant. And I dont know if I hate it or I love it. lately Ive kinda hated it, I cant say i’ve met many people in my life that can make me feel not worthy, not good enough, etc., for them. and I guess that is good and bad, but lately more bad I suppose because it hurts thinking that you can keep on trying and getting your hopes up and you’ll still never be whatever it is that person is looking for. or somehing. I dont know. It’s been an interesting past couple weeks for her and I. everything from very happy moments, to being frustrated, or me not even talking to her, and those who know me know that it’s almost impossible for me to give anyone the slient treatment for longer than 5 seconds. But the past couple days have really hit me like a ton of bricks. Ive come to many realizations that I hadnt noticed before, or even ones I had noticed but tried to not admit to myself. Realizations of how important some people are to me, and just how much they mean to me and I’d do for them, despite how scary it can be. realizations of why I’m where I’m at right now, physically, and in my life, among other things. It’s amazing when you realize how many lots of little things can be all tied into a few big ones. but now im just going off and being kinda cryptic again saying things that likely only make sense to me. back to Kayla. I’ve known her for almost a year and a half, and I’m so amazed at the things our friendship has survived in that amount of time, as hard as they were on me sometimes, and I know there were little things that were hard on her too, our distance from each other being a big one for her.but through all of that, our friendship still burns strong, and no matter what her and I ever experience or go through, together or apart, I know that’ll always be true. and I want her to know how much I’ll always be here, just as I always have, even through her toughest times, one of my shoulders is always on reserve for her and her alone to cry on if she ever needs it, as is one of my ears when she needs someone to listen. and of course an arm, though it goes with out saying that she can always have both, when and if ever she just needs to be held.

Her and I arent even dating or anything, but I wanted her to know just how much she really means to me, than ever have to deal with the pain and regret of her never knowing if I didnt say something. “better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”, and all that jazz, right? Then again, it was also once said something among the lines of “better to remain silent and make them wonder if you’re foolish, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” lol.

I’m sure there’s more I’d love to write here, and maybe I will in time, depending on how things work out. who knows.  but I now return you to your regularly unscheduled boring chris blog posts, already in progress.

-C

GRRRR.

yeah that pretty much sums me up right now. except I dont even have the energy to let out a ‘grr’. Im just exhausted. Im physically exhausted and my body aches everywhere. and I’m emotionally exhausted. I’m just done. I dont know. I dont really know a whole lot of anything anymore. I know I find myself feeling like someone’s personal board game piece lately, just a part of someone’s game to be played with how they please. and while im venting, let me get this out of the way. the dating game/scene/whatever the hell you want to call it, sucks. I stopped dating anyone for something like 9 months, thinking it was a good idea, it was best for me, would help me get my life back on track from where it was, etc. sure it kinda did that, but it was still bad for me, in the sense that something happened in that huge absence of dating, because I just dont know what the hell to do anymore. I can’t read anyone, or their signals, assuming there are any. To the very few out there that might be wanting to date me or whatever for god knows what possible reason, here’s some advice. be blunt with me. just absolutely as blunt as blunt can be. I cant play the game anymore, sorry, I dont know how, and as fo recently, I just dont have the energy anymore. Right now im pretty sure I’d be content just staying in this bed for the next 5 years without seeing or talking to anyone. I’m sorry im a pain in the ass with everyone right now, believe me it’s no fun for me either. and the past couple of weeks I just feel completely empty, and that’s gotta be one of the most depressing things in the world. With people in my life, things in my life, etc, it just feels likelately I’ve been riding this rollercoaster over and over again. and there’s just so much riding I can take before I gotta get off of it. *sigh*. anyway, im just venting, breathing, whatever to myself, anytime I publish a serious blog post 4 or 5 people message me semi-concerned, and while it’s appreciated, if anyone reading this is thinking of doing that, or commenting, or whatever, just dont. Doesnt matter who you are, Just dont. intrepret it how you want to, do what you want about it, just dont talk to me about it, sorry, but I just dont have the energy to discuss the blog post with anyone. I know I’ll have better days, dont worry, things just…suck right now. and Im drained. so I think Im headin to bed. Maybe after I’ve slept on this I’ll remove this post in the morning, who knows, but im not ashamed of what I write ever, so I usually dont take posts down even if I should. meh. nite.