www.chrisdarbro.com – Chris Darbro

“Im sorry you have to go through so much pain over her”. That’s
something a friend of mine told me tonight. It shouldnt have had
to been said, but it was. Lately Ive been a tiny bit confused,
a lot frustrated. (what else is new, right?) Lot of things, even
people that have been bothering me. One example, if you’re a guy
between the ages of oh, 16 and let’s say, 25?, and I dont know you,
there’s a very good chance I probably hate you right now. And I sure
as hell dont like feelings of jealousy. I havent had that feeling
for a reasonable amount of time,and it’s not one I like at all. Ive
mentioned or hinted at for the past month or so of trying to rid
my mind of something, and it got to a point where I felt bad about
it and was just confused, and kind of stopped for a while, now im
thinking I might need to get back on that track, because if I dont
and the problem keeps getting worse like it has been the past month or
so, im just going to keep feeling more upset and hurt all the time and
frustrated because I cant fix something that’s out of my control. I
hate that feeling. I hate watching something head towards an impending
doom, and because I know im wasting my breath with concerns that would
fall on deaf ears, I have to sit and watch the wreck, and unfortunatly,
Im thinking that when the day comes that that happens, im going to be
too upset, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, to want to pick up the pieces
when they want to be. I fear by that time I wont want what i’ll view
as damaged goods, because feel responsible for the downfall and think
back to how i had to watch it all go downhill and it be out of my
control, because of the other party. Not that this is making a wink of
sense to anyone.

Moving on, the past couple weeks ive been having this weird dream,
sometimes it’s even a day dream that I nod off and start thinking
about. In it,I’ve got this thing that I have only dreamed of for a
while now, and im so amazed that I have it, because it’s something
I thought I always wanted. but then when this is taking place
(about 6-8 years from now I think), im presented with a conunundrum.
I have to make a choice, between keeping this thing I’ve fantasized of
for a while now that seems perfect, and something else I made a
promise to years ago. (at that time). problem is, it’s not the typical
head/heart problem decision. it’s heart/heart, with the first one my
head wanting a little as well, where as the second one would be if
I looked back and wanted to keep true to being the guy I’ve always
claimed to be. though if things keep going how they are, and this
weird dream ever came true in the future, well, like I said, if things
keep going how they have been, I likely wont have a problem choosing
sadly.

On a different note, Im still fairly psyched for vegas, it oughta be
fun to see how everything goes. Im sure I’ll lose a good 10-15 lbs
while down there as well, as I managed to do last year. hehe.Only
3 days away, im excited. another thing to mention before I forget:
if anyone cares, I updated a little of the text on my last blog entry,
and threw in a pic as well for kicks. *shrug*. with that, im out.